Lauren the "Socialite" living in Kingston

Thank you, for being a jerk

It’s the month of February and even though it’s Black history month, something i honestly think white people invented to remind us that we were once in slavery and that they still have the upper hand. I thought why not have an “Ode to Relationships” week so all of this week i will posting blogs dedicated to the relationships that work and don’t work, and if you have any stories of your own feel free to send them in.

To start off the event, I want to personally thank all the men who in the past made me cry, I look back on it today and im sooo thankful that Tony slept with that girl, god who would have known that all that shit would amount to this, im honored that you never thought I was the one, I cant think of any one I would rather be with now than the man I’m with now even when we argue i love him, in his moodiest mood I’de rather be around him than any of you.

Now I know what i felt before was not love I was just young and dumb,I can be myself around him, and I don’t have to wake up half an hour before him go brush my teeth, put makeup on or brush my hair into place, Trust me i did that for 6 months everyday with this one guy Jesus it was hard work!!

You know you love someone when you cant operate by yourself, see? i didn’t love you Tony cause I used to function better when you weren’t around, and as for that Seventh day Adventist dude, pssshhh you and your religion can meet me in hell, I have a booth with bottles of my favorite red wine.

Thanks to all the guys who had a chance with me and abused it and now you see me and you want me back, tsk tsk tsk, too late motherfucker, you’re now one of my biggest regrets.

Big up to all you Men who broke my heart cuz if you didn’t, I would probably be with one of you know, maybe even pregnant with some annoying kid running around giving me a headache. So girls when a boy brakes your heart just smile someone better is coming!!

xoxoxoxo A Silent Ode To Cookie!!! ;)

Hush little baby,

When i like probably 5, maybe younger im not too sure right now, my older sister used to sing that nursery rhyme, “hush little baby don’t say a word” everybody knows it and it goes on into saying if the mocking bird don’t sing, mama is gonna buy you a diamond ring, blah blah blah. Yeah well, i used to believe every word of that song, and since she only sang it to me when i was crying and mom wasnt home, as soon as mommy dearest got home i’de be digging for the diamond ring, the rubber ducky, the mockingbird, you catch my drift. No matter how many times she sang that song to me and no matter how many times mommy dearest showed up without the stuff I still believed it.

Whats my point?? Have you ever met a person more gullible?? I’m sitting here thinking i should change my last name to “Gullible one”.

Did you know according to popular researches people like me are the ones that advertising agencies target. I used to buy fruit gushers because in the commercials it made the kids head blow up into big water melons or whatever fruit flavor they were eating.

I don’t really have a point to be honest, i just amaze myself sometimes.

xoxoxoxoxox Lauren

Those who dig……….

Those who dig also hide, after a whole day of digging they’ll go back to their closet and hide more treasures. The world is sooo off balance that if you look at first nothing makes sense, but looking even closer it all adds up, Therapist always have more issues than their patients, most doctors have a drinking problems, and the fathers who are over protective of their daughters always date underage girls.

Once again im in the most sarcastic mood of my life, so before i’m taken over by a painful fit of laughter, I’ll hurry up and get to the point. A Lot of us doubt ourselves because we feel for some reason we aren’t worthy for whatever it is that we would really like to do or be with. You put this person up a golden platform and praise them as if they are perfectly created by God (or whoever you praise) but the fucked up thing is that person is not perfect nor are they any better than you are, they probably have more flaws than you do.

Let me tell you Elizabeth’s story, she married a well known politician who was ubber successful, poor Elizabeth all she had was a pretty face and the ring he gave her the day they got married. She did everything he told her to, she worshiped the ground she walked on because she thought he was being so good to her giving her everything, all he asked from her was she didn’t leave the house, cheat, flirt, lie or ever think she was worth anything without him. But while Elizabeth’s husband reminded her every day how good he was to her he forgot to tell her that everytime he went to a big business meeting over seas that he was with another woman, as a a=matter of fact he forgot to tell her that he was married to three other women that existed in other parts of the world, and when he was away for three months doing good will work with the president of Africa, he was really living his double life with another wife.

The moral of the story people is not, “DON’T TRUST YOUR MAN HE COULD HAVE THREE OTHER WOMEN THAT HE TELLS THE SAME THING” no the moral is don’t change who you are, don’t doubt yourself for another person, no one will ever love you the way you’re suppose to love yourself. Whatever you do with your life make sure it makes you happy, if you die tomorrow would you have lived a fulfilling life?

If you allow others to judge you and make you feel little, then you have failed yourself. If you want to be an alcoholic and get drunk every day, DWEET, if you want to give head and record it on ur cell phone DWEET, whatever you feel lik doing with your life  DO IT DO IT DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

xoxoxoxox  Lauren Alexander, eyes wide open!!

How do I sound?

More and more the little things in life really starts to matter, maybe its cause we’re all getting old. The things that used to make you jump doesnt make you jump any more because you expect it to happen, you find yourself asking where is the fucking suspense??

If you are anything like me, you ask yourself more times than you should what the fuck am I doing wrong?? Nothing goes according to plan even when you planned for the fuck up. Contrary to what you may believe as I write this blog I  am not upset or annoyed in any way with anyone in particular. Sometimes I wake  up and just find myself thinking about stuff.

Will I end up like my mother, will my kids be alchoholics, will I ever see a pictures of Jesus Christ in shoes instead of gladiator sandals or barefoot? Just stuff, I don’t have a typical mind thank God my mother never restricted me nor my sisters from voicing our opinions about stuff growing up, so I don’t think like a typical person, because from the begining of time i always had freedom of speech. My mother doesn’t believe in “bad words” so now you get what i’m trying to say. Growing up I was urged to have a response to everything, I was never quiet or silent and to be honest people like that make my stomach hurt, why the fuck don’t you have anything to say?

I could talk all day if I wanted to. I could also be quiet, I have days when I dnt want to be around people,  I confine myself to my bedroom and put my phone on silent.

Then I go right back to thinking is this what I really want? If i said fuck off to this, could I find better. Who wants to come second in a race he knows he can come first in? The fucking problem is i’m not sure what my potentials are, I may run again and hurt my ankle therfore never winning nor coming anything, oh dear.

xoxoxoxox Lauren

Truth about Vegas

Alrighty so im walking around a book store in Miami airport for some reason im drawn to any book with Bitch in the title! I buy $60 worth of books and Magazinnes, before i hear the boarding announcement for my flight, Vegas Bound!

I get to my seat and there is a white man sitting there looking at me like im crazy, I asked him if this was his seat, he said to me quite matter of factly; no my seat is by the exit row, but you can sit there so we may sit together, he said this pointing to the two other white people sitting beside him, i figured they must all be related since everytime i looked at each one I thought about dogs specifically a Dalmation. What could I have done demand that he get up from my seat, prove to the world once again that Jamaicans are intollerable and out of control. I smiled and smuggled my little self through the narrow isle to a seat that wasnt mine.

Here I am sitting ready for the plane to take off when a spanish couple get into a big argument with a flight attendant, so everyone who could see was staring, then security came on the plane, then more security, the flight attendant was removed and then we waited, then more security came the couple was escorted off, then we waited, then a new flight attendant was replaced for theold one, finnally the piece of tin was in the air.  Now American Airlines took my hard earned us$10 and gave me in return the toughest pieces of bread ever with some meat substitute and year old lettuce in it, I broke a dam bracket from my braces trying to disect the sorry excuse for a sandwich. I said fine you know what according to this intinerary i should be in vegas in two hours! HA! what was I thinking Vegas is four hours behind the flght was six hours long, the dude beside me fell alseep on my shoulder, when he woke up he had the nerve to say; Hey! followed by his morning breath. I wanted to scream.

I wake up the next morning and my cell phone provider is doing what they do best annoy me, mother nature won a free ticket to Vegas so here we are, period, cramps, mood swings and lots of alcohol for cheap. On my way to breakfast this morning I got attacked by about ten spanish people trying to sell my time share and tickets to the Chris Angel show!

Holly wood did it again sold us an illusion, fuck Vegas I wanna go home!!

xoxox Lauren Alexander, I have four more days here, lets see what happens!!

ps i wish I was going to Club Privilege tonight!!!!!!!!

one man wont do, thank you.

New rule, “fuck what yah heard” (I love saying that) the rules about lady like behavior and all that shit has been re written and almost oxford approved.
Put your hand up if you’ve ever broken a car window, light his house on fire, searched his cell phone, jacked his email or anything that would deem you crazy. Put your other hand up if while u did these things he was the only man in your life! See that’s where women go wrong, do you see men braking windows or getting fat over “Jacqueline” no because they have another girl, I swear it works!
This is where the difference between dating and fucking play very important roles! Women can’t do the same thing thing as men and remain ladies, yeah yeah yeah we heard! However nothing is wrong with innocent dating, Mr Man pisses you off but “HE” always has nice things to say and would you believe he remembers that you hate grape soda. I promise this way works and you can date as many guys as your little heart desires but the rule is don’t have sex with them, unless of course your boyfriend is ignoring you and forgot that you have a vagina, then you can do as you please! Whatever floats your boat!
So if you are in a relationship, wise girls date and keep there options open. As Beyonce once said if he liked it “he woulda put a ring on it” so until he wifes it! Its yours and he can’t say shit! (Ps unless of course there is a range rover and a house on the hill involved with your name on the deed, then you best behave yourself. Before you get bax and loose it all)

“HE” should be doing all the things that Mr Man isn’t doing, stuff like ummmm I haven’t a clue what your Mr Man isn’t doing, but girls have sent me letters about movies and stupid walks on the beach, or dinner stuff, whatever floats your boat, “HE” will do it. Will Mr Man ever find out you ask yourself one day after you’ve received a gorgeous bouquet from “HE”, nope Mr Man isn’t that observant honey dear he hasn’t a clue, he’s too busy with another dumb bitch!!

Xoxox Lauren Alexander, no rings here!!